


Build Me Up

by sapphickillers



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Adoption, Depression, F/F, Fluff, Homophobia, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Self Harm, Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, and so is chloe, beca is an angel ok, extremeist religion, radical religion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 05:26:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6740161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphickillers/pseuds/sapphickillers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A common factor eventually brings these two together, and it isn't what either one of them was expecting. Bechloe slowburn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings in almost every chapter.   
> Authors note: My first fanfiction, really nervous about it to be honest. This story is obviously Beca and Chloe oriented; it'll be full of angst but some loving too (particularly the lesbian kind). It is slightly AU and starts right as Chloe and Beca meet and continues with their relationship along with going through the first movie. I hope you enjoy and reviews are appreciated.

Beca groaned as she heard the annoying beeping again. She did not want to get up for class, today was her first day of classes at Barden University; she didn't want to be here anyway so might as well take her time getting to class. She slammed her hand down on the alarm clock to stop the annoying beeping. She sat up and looked at the slightly fuzzy bright red numbers reading 7:52 A.M. Her eyes widened and she jumped out of bed obviously annoying her Asian roommate due to the glare she received. She scrambled around trying to find clean clothes...she just hoped to God that these clothes that were closest to her and thrown hazardly across the room were clean. She grabbed some sort of purple plaid shirt, dark skinny jeans and her black converse. 

Beca was usually clean of course, and all of that jazz but when she was up until four or five in the morning well....things got messy sometimes. She glanced at the clock and quickly grabbed some mints since she didn't have time to brush her teeth, her laptop and headphones. Fuck all that note taking she didn't want to be in class anyway. It's not like she paid much attention anyway. She scrambled at the door sporting a half buttoned plaid shirt, skinny jeans and her favorite converse. She threw her unbrushed hair into a messy bun and basically sprinted to class as she checked her phone simultaneously, she saw that she had one minute until her eight o'clock class. 

She rounded the corner quickly and looked frantically at the door numbers, with her luck she probably wasn't in the right building. She sighed in relief when she saw the correct class. Intro. to Philosophy at eight in the morning was already a bitch and she hadn't even sat through the lecture. She walked into the room and realized that all the seats were taken save for one in the back next to a group of girls that Beca just knew she wouldn't get along with. She fought off a grimace and walked quickly back to the empty seat. She had been so oriented on just getting to the seat that she hadn't seen the boys foot; she fell forward and didn't have time to catch herself before she stumbled face first into an occupied desk....with an iced coffee. 

She fell into the desk effectively knocking over the coffee onto herself and the seats occupants. Beca reddened with embarrassment and shock as the girl jumped up. She froze and braced herself for the complete bitch out she was bound to get. Until, one didn't come. Beca heard the laughter of her fellow classmates and blushed red enough to give Hell Boy a run for his money. Her eyes widened and she quickly turned and ran out of the room. It was of course the logical thing to do, you know get away from fucking everyone.   
She briefly heard what sounded like a Bumper getting yelled at by a few girls. She didn;t go back to check of course. She felt her eyes watering in embarrassment as she found a bathroom. She swallowed thickly while trying to ignore the tightness in her chest. She placed her hands on the sink, she sighed slightly as the coolness of the sink against her hot hands relaxed her. She looked at her shirt and saw it only had a few spots of coffee on it...meaning the girl had the majority of it on her. She bit her lip and grabbed some paper towels trying to dry her shirt and a few spots that dripped to her pants. She jumped when she heard a voice behind her. 

"I guess this was a nice way to bond." A red-headed girl said with a smirk. 

Beca blinked at her and tilted her head. "I...uh- what?" 

The red-head grinned and looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Over coffee?" She then gestured to her shirt. 

Beca glanced at the red-heads shirt. "Oh....OH." She exclaimed while laughing nervously. "Right....I am so sorry about that. It was my fault and....I just....you know?.....and I was in a hurry and just wanted to sit...and uh sorry." She stuttered. 

The other girl grinned, thinking her stuttering was quite cute. "Wasn't your fault. Bumper tripped you. I saw, don't worry he got a mouthful from yours truly along with the rest of the Bellas." She said with a shrug. "I'm Chloe, by the way." She grinned again and took off her shirt to check out the damage. 

Beca blushed as she undressed right in front of her. She didn't even know this girl. "Bellas?" She questioned and looked away out of embarrassment and politeness. Mainly politeness of course. 

Chloe grinned. "Yup!" She exclaimed while grabbing a hoodie out of her bag and throwing it on. "Barden Bellas, kick ass Acapella group here." She said. "Do you sing?" She asked conversationally and leaned against the counter.

Beca finally looked at when she was sure that the girl had a shirt on. She did sing. Just not with people, in front of people, or ever with anything relating to people ever; just mainly alone in the shower. She bit her lip nervously. "Uh...no." She mumbled and looked at the floor. Lies usually rolled off her tongue easily but she immediately felt guilt at lying to Chloe. "Well...I mean a little, I guess. Does the shower count?" She asked with a smirk.

Chloe grinned when she heard Beca say that she did in fact sing. She had a radar for these kind of things, along with her usual gaydar her radar for voices was spectacular. "So...do you want to join the Bellas? Auditions are tomorrow!" She said excitedly. 

Beca licked her lips and looked at the ground. "I uhm, might be kinda...busy?" she said softly and again she felt the guilt. Damn guilt, stupid hormones, stupid coffee..."Well I mean maybe....I don't know." 

Chloe's smile and excitement fell slightly. "Well alright. If you change your mind, tomorrow gymnasium at 2:00 P.M." She said and turned. "I have to go as I have class and want to put this shirt in the wash."

Beca nodded, she tried not to say anything affirming to whether she would be there or not. She was notorious at breaking promises. "Right well. Sorry uhm, again. I owe you coffee." 

"Oh, Beca?" Chloe said as she walked out with a raised eyebrow. "Showers do count." She said as an afterthought and winked before walking out of the bathroom to her next class. Unknowingly leaving the brunette blushing and trying not to think about showers with the red-headed girl she just met.


	2. Chapter 2

Considering the morning she had Chloe was anxious about auditions. She hoped that the brunette would show up. She reasoned that it would be great for the Bellas if the brunette showed up but she also realized she mainly wanted to see her. She bit her lip as the last person auditioned and slumped slightly in her seat next to Aubrey.   
"Oh, wait!" She said enthusiastically as she noticed Beca walking nervously through the door. "There is one more." She said all with her eyes on Beca. She smiled inside as she realized Beca was beyond nervous but showed up anyway. 

"I didn't know we had to prepare that song." Beca mumbled and kept her eyes on Chloe before she realized she was staring and looked away. 

"Sing anything you want!" Chloe said happily and became fidgety in her seat. 

Beca nodded slightly while smirking. "May I?" She asked and gestured to the cup sitting in front of Chloe and some bitchy looking blonde. She wondered if she practiced that bitch face or if it came naturally. She sat cross legged and started making drumming and clapping noises. She felt her smile grow as she relaxed slightly into the music and Chloe's blue eyes. 

"I got my ticket for the long way 'round.  
Two bottle whiskey for the way.  
And I sure would like some sweet company,   
and I'm leavin' tomorrow, what do you say?"

Chloe grinned and found herself staring at Beca as she started. She tried her best to keep her eyes strictly on Beca's face but of course that was hard as Beca wore a low cut shirt. She hummed along to the beat and finally looked at Aubrey and grinned happily as if to say 'I told you so.'

"When I'm gone, when I'm gone,  
you're gonna miss me when I'm gone.  
You're gonna miss me by my hair,  
You're gonna miss me everywhere.  
Oh, you're, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone.  
I've got my ticket for the long way 'round.  
The one with the prettiest of views.  
It's got mountains, it's got rivers,  
It's got sights to give you shivers.  
But it sure would be prettier with you."

When Beca finished the song she glanced nervously between Chloe and the blonde whom she was pretty sure had that expression naturally by now. She got up and quickly left, she doesn't know why the hell she did that. All she knew was she was nervous and felt like she was going to die before she locked eyes with the red head. She jumped when she felt a hand on her arm, she turned and saw the blonde aka Mrs. Queen Bitch. 

The blonde sighed and pursed her lips. "It took a lot of convincing from Chloe and that song to even consider you for the Bellas." She paused. "But you're in." 

Beca raised an eyebrow. This bitch certainly thought she was something special. "Pretty sure it was my aca-awesome voice." She said sarcastically and threw in a high pitched voice for good measure; she rolled her eyes before walking away toward her dorm. 

She knew there would probably be some sort of initiation and all that official shit. It was a sorority after all. She went to her room and was pointedly ignored by Kimmy Jin. Beca decided she was a bitch like the blonde but the good kind as she was rude to Beca but didn't mind her staying up at all hours mixing music. 

Beca glanced at the clock and realized she had been mixing for three hours and wasn't even close to finishing as she was kind of a perfectionist when it came to mixing. She decided she would finish it later and go shower. She quickly undressed and threw on her robe and grabbed her shampoo, soap and all of her necessities before walking out into the hall and down some steps to the showers. She grinned when she realized she was the only one in the showers and started humming the chorus to one of her certainty favorite songs. She was going over mixes in her head trying to figure out how Stitches could mesh with different songs. She was so relaxed in the shower that her humming quickly turned to singing. 

"I thought that I'd been hurt before  
But no one's ever left me quite this sore  
Your words cut deeper than a knife  
Now I need someone to breathe me back to life  
Got a feeling that I'm going under  
But I know that I'll make it out alive  
If I quit calling you my lover  
Move on"

She grinned and sighed as hot water flowed around her. She grinned as she realized another of her favorite songs would mesh pretty well with it. She hummed while going through the melody of "Titanium" by David Guetta in her head seeing how they could mesh up. She started singing "Stitches" by Shawn Mendes with Titanium going through her head and grinned as she found how to mix up. She kept a mental note to put that in her computer and mixing program before continuing "Stitches".

"You watch me bleed until I can't breathe  
Shaking, falling onto my knees  
And now that I'm without your kisses  
I'll be needing stitches  
Tripping over myself  
Aching, begging you to come help----"

She froze and stopped singing as another voice joined in. "Dude!" She whirled around and backed into the wall when she saw Chloe standing there, with literally no clothing. Chloe grinned at her and raised an eyebrow as Beca scrambled to cover herself with all of her showering items. Chloe chuckled and looked at he face pointedly trying not to embarrass Beca further. 

Beca wanted to slap that stupid smile off. She blushed deeply and tried to keep her eyes off the red head who stood in front of her with her hair messy, and body wet, and-- Focus Beca, Don’t pretend you didn’t check her out then smile to yourself. She inwardly groaned as the red head stepped closer. 

"I'm so glad you auditioned for the Bellas." Chloe said and grinned excitedly. 

"I can't concentrate on anything until you cover your junk." Beca said, while of course trying to be polite and not look at the well...the really hot girl standing in front of her.  
"One time we sang back up for Prince." Beca swallowed tightly as the girl stepped even closer. "His butt is so tiny that I can hold it with, like, one hand." Beca sighed inwardly as she couldn't face the girl head on anymore so turned to face the shower wall. 

"Seriously, I am nude." She said but Chloe seemed to be deaf while Beca stood very uncomfortably close. Beca pointedly kept their eyes locked. 

"You were singing Stitches, right?" Chloe asked, Beca raised an eyebrow and turned slightly. "You know Shawn Mendes?" 

Chloe scoffed. "Of course, have I been living under a rock?" She moved closer and was now totally in Beca's personal space. She smirked and bit her lip. "That song is my jam." She paused and looked Beca up and down slowly. "Might even be my lady jam now." She said with a wink. "Will you sing it with me?" She asked. 

Beca's eyes widened. "Dude! No! Get out!" 

Chloe rolled her eyes at Beca's exclamation. "Not for that reason. I want to see how compatible we are." She paused. "Harmonically, I mean. And I'm not leaving until you sing, so...." 

Beca wondered if this was Chloe's way of flirting? Chloe seemed to be someone who pushed personal boundaries and space to get what she wanted; so probably. Beca inwardly groaned and started off where she left off. 

"You watch me bleed until I can't breathe  
Shaking, falling onto my knees  
And now that I'm without your kisses  
I'll be needing stitches  
Tripping over myself  
Aching, begging you to come help  
And now that I'm without your kisses  
I'll be needing stitches"

The ginger grinned as Beca began to sing and she slowly joined her for the last few verses. Beca grinned as she joined in and forgot they were naked and in the shower. Chloe smirked as she noticed Beca was checking her out, again. Not that she was checking Beca out or anything. 

"Just like a moth drawn to a flame  
Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain  
Your bitter heart cold to the touch  
Now I'm gonna reap what I sow  
I'm left seeing red on my own"

"Got a feeling that I'm going under  
But I know that I'll make it out alive  
If I quit calling you my lover  
Move on"

They stopped singing and after a pause grinned widely at each other. They harmonized and sang perfectly together. Beca remembered they were in the shower and how close their proximity was and she made an uncomfortable face and looked at the ceiling. She hoped Chloe took that as she was uncomfortable with the situation and not that she was uncomfortable with certain thoughts running through her head. 

"Oh, yeah." Chloe grinned at Beca. "I'm pretty confident about..." She gestured to her body. "All this." 

Beca inhaled deeply and fought a smirk. "You should be." She mumbled. Chloe grinned and handed Beca a white towel and checked her out one more time before Beca covered herself. "Still need to shower." She mumbled and felt her temperature rising, she was 90% sure it was hot in here because the water was pretty steamy. That must be it.   
Chloe grinned again. "See you at initiation. It's in an hour." She stated matter of factly. She smirked and walked out of the stall. 

How the fuck is she all bubbly in someone else's shower stall? Beca thought as she finished her shower. She figured it had to be so she could counter balance Queen Bitch's attitude and stay sane. She sighed and pushed away thoughts of a naked red head. She finished her shower and walked back to her room to get dressed for initiation.   
What the hell do people wear to these things? She wondered. She bit her lip as she looked through her closet and found a t-shirt with some sarcastic ass saying on it and a hoodie with her usual skinny jeans and converse. She grabbed some extra "alternative style" ear rings because she had a feeling Queen Bitch was bothered by it. She smirked and looked at herself in the mirror, well she looked really fucking gay. She shrugged realizing she might as well embrace the style, she grabbed her phone and plugged her headphones in and wrapped them around her neck. "Time to fuck shit up Mitchell style." She mumbled to herself. She walked out the door, not even thinking about the possibilities the night had to come, which involved a bubbly ginger.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Underage drinking, mentions of abuse, panic attacks, self harm.

Chloe left Beca in the shower because if she hadn't left then she would've done something completely stupid like help her wash her body, or kiss her or something equally gay. Chloe blushed at the slightly provocative thoughts running through her head. She was usually bubbly but now she was nervous because she would be at the after party soon, and there would be alcohol and Beca. Alcohol and Beca. Oh God, what if she does something stupid? She does that alot when she drinks. So, for safety of course she was not going to drink tonight. 

She rubbed her face with her hands and walked slowly to the after party. She grabbed some soda and had a few sips of it as she looked around. They did it. It took some work but her and Aubrey did it. They had the Bellas this year. She grabbed another cup and took a sip noticing it was some shit looking alcohol. Literally. It was some murky brown stuff. She grimaced and decided a little bit of alcohol wouldn't hurt. Now she just had to stay away from hot girls, particularly a brunette. 

A few drinks later....

Chloe felt really fucking light headed. She staggered slightly as she picked up another cup. This stuff probably had more alcohol percent then she thought. She couldn't even keep her thoughts straight, not that she wanted to as she was looking for a hot brunette. Ha, she cracked herself up as she stumbled toward the Bellas. She giggled at Aubrey's facial expression as Fat Amy talked to her about boys or something. She glanced around and her eyes fell on Beca, she grinned and walked more like slightly wobbled toward her.   
"Beca! Hey!" She exclaimed and leaned off some sort of bench thing? Who made a seat made of concrete? She grabbed Beca's arms and touched their foreheads together. Her lips twitched upward. "I think...we're going to be the bestest of friends." She giggled and looked into Beca's eyes. They were really pretty, and like a chocolate brown...huh she wondered if Beca was always so closed off even with emotions, sure Beca seemed nervous when appropriate, and sort of kinda hot...no wait that wasn't where she was going with this, Beca just seemed naturally closed off to everyone and used sarcasm as a defense so people stayed at least a mile away especially if feelings were involved. 

Beca fought back a smile at the tipsy ginger. "Well, you saw me naked...so..." She winked and fought a shiver as the ginger touched their foreheads together and ran her hands up and down her arms. She bit her lip and glanced down at the gingers cleavage before blushing and looking back at Chloe's eyes. 

"Do...you...wanna walk me back to my room?" Chloe asked and snorted slightly in laughter. "Like, for safety not in a naked way? Ya know?" She giggled drunkenly and wrapped her arm around Beca's waist. "Well unless you want to." She mumbled and winked. 

"Let's just stay clothed and get you to your room." She sighed and wrapped her arm around the gingers shoulders while glancing around nervously seeming to look for someone.   
"Whatcha...looking for?" She mumbled and bit her lip trying to walk in a straight line was really hard when you're drunk. "I mean..." She snorted again. "You got a hottie here." 

Beca rolled her eyes and sighed in relief as they neared Chloe's dorm. "What's your--..." She broke off as a male voice called out. "Beca!" Chloe furrowed her eyebrows together. Why did he sound all mad? 

Beca froze in fear as she recognized the voice. How the fuck was he here? This was a college party? She quickly let go of Beca and moved away from her. He couldn't see her next to another girl, he would get so mad and probably hurt her...or Chloe. She bit her lip so hard that she was afraid she would draw blood....the thought of him even thinking about touching Chloe was enough to make her feel like her skin was covered with needles. 

The man walked up and raised an eyebrow at Beca, he was calm...to calm; she thought. She wrapped her arms around herself and felt her usual confidence and bitchy attitude completely disappear. She bit her lip again and clenched her hands tightly, feeling her fingernails dig into her palm. 

"Oh, uh...hi dad." She mumbled and looked at the floor suddenly finding the crack in the sidewalk very interesting. 

Chloe though slightly tipsy noticed the immediate change in not only the girls attitude but how the man seemed to be a bit...creepy? For lack of a better word. Chloe tried her best to act like she hadn't been drinking and silently promised Beca that she wouldn't say a word. 

The man pursed his lips. "Beca." He said with a nod. "And...?" He asked as he looked at the red head. 

The red head really hoped she didn't sound drunk, though the seriousness of the situation seemed to sober her up slightly. "Chloe." She said and smiled softly at the man. "Beca's father?" She asked and held out her hand to shake his. 

He nodded. "Dr. Mitchell. I teach literature here." He said and grinned at her. "Chloe, beautiful name." He said and looked at Beca. "Friend of yours?" 

Beca nodded stiffly and could tell she would be in for a punishment later. "Well, I hope you girls can stay out of trouble." He said firmly. "I'll see you tomorrow for dinner, Beca." 

Beca nodded quickly knowing the silent message; You better keep your mouth shut. She fought a grimace as she remembered her punishment for running out of class the on her first day, he didn't want to ruin his "perfect image." If only they knew what he does behind everyone's back. She just wanted her dad away from Chloe while managing to keep her secret from her. She watched nervously as he walked away towards his car, while still making sure Chloe didn't touch her. 

Chloe looked at Beca and raised an eyebrow. "What was that about, Beca?" 

"Oh, he is just....very strict. You know?" She said and forced a laugh. "Wants me to be the best I can, stay out of trouble and all that." 

Chloe seriously doubted that but she felt nauseous and didn't want to push it tonight. And she knew Beca wasn't just going to pop out and say it. "Well, since it's late...do you just want to stay in my room?" She asked hopefully. "We can watch a movie?" 

Beca dreaded her words that she knew she had to say. To protect her. She swallowed thickly. "No. We can't be friends." She paused and felt her breathing falter slightly. Great, a panic attack to top it all off. She breathed slowly and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry. Just, leave me alone. I'm not a good friend to have." 

Chloe's eyes widened. "I know I'm not that drunk." She said as her usual bubbliness deflated. "Why?" Her voice broke slightly and she grabbed Beca's hand. "Why can't we be friends? I thought--.....Is it something I said?" 

Beca snatched her hand away. "No." She felt needles all over her skin and she needed to get back to her room before she had a total melt down. She felt the familiar tugging in her mind, she needed to go somewhere alone. "Fuck off." She snapped before turning her back on Chloe. For protection....She just kept repeating that and hoped it would lessen the crippling anxiety and depression she knew she would face...probably within the next 5 minutes. She burst into her room totally ignoring Kimmy Jin and grabbed her razor before running back out and to the bathroom and into a shower stall before turning the water on. 

She tried to push Chloe's tear filled eyes out of her mind as she broke the piece of metal out of the razor. She bit her lip as she slid it across her thigh, she blinked the tears away and just accepted that she would feel a lot worse tomorrow, especially after "dinner" with her dad. She cried as she watched the red mix into the water and down the drain....She wished she could follow it and disappear into a dark hole too.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Talks of Self Harm, Homophobia, Radical religion, Physical Abuse, Depression, and thoughts of self harm.

Chloe did not understand what had happened at all. One minute she was flirting and Beca didn't seem to mind and the next she had looked so nervous and tense....no petrified? That was it....but why? Why would she be petrified of her dad? Her thoughts turned to how Beca had basically turned into another person after the encounter....how she wouldn't even allow Chloe to comfort her...or touch her. Of course Chloe knew that she was a touchy person and went past boundaries sometimes but she didn't think she was that drunk, or that she had overstepped to much. Sure, she had flirted with the brunette but she didn't seem to mind the attention. 

Chloe had been consumed with these thoughts all night, even through her hangover the next morning and even now to her Intro. to Philosophy class she felt consumed by worry and sadness. She was usually very bubbly and properly dressed even if she had a hangover but today was a different story. 

Her hair had been pulled into a messy bun, she wore sunglasses to hide the bags under her eyes from no sleep, and a pair of baggie sweatpants and a baggie tshirt. She felt like shit and not just physically, her emotions were a mess. Usually she brushed off when people didn't want to be friends as she knew she had a very unique personality but....it was different with Beca. She had only known the girl for two days but felt like they had grown exceptionally close over the past couple of days. 

She held onto her thermos (full of much needed coffee) for dear life as she sat down at her desk. She was usually up and alert, and chatting with Fat Amy, Aubrey, Stacie, or Cynthia Rose....but she just couldn't today. She laid her head on her desk and closed her eyes. Why couldn't Beca be friends? Maybe she hadn't come out? Or maybe she misread the looks that passed between them and wondered if Beca was gay at all? But that didn't mean they had to have any sort of relationship like that....they could just be friends.   
Chloe couldn't fathom the idea about not being out of the "gay closet." She had been an out and proud bisexual since she could remember and everyone in her family and friends circle were okay with it. Sure, she got a snide comment from some of the religious people on campus or out in life....but other than that she didn't ever have a problem with judgement on her sexuality. She was so focused on her thoughts that she didn't even notice Fat Amy had been trying to get her attention for the last five minutes. 

"Huh?" She huffed and looked at her group of friends. She hoped to God they didn't mention Beca, or the party even though she knew everyone had seen them leave together. They all probably assumed she was just hungover and tired from the party and the assumed "after party" that had happened between her and Beca. 

"So, lesbihonest here, did you get your bump and grind on with that Beca chick?" Fat Amy said suggestively with waggling eyebrows. 

"Ooooo." Stacie winked at Chloe. "Get that action, boo." Chloe clenched her teeth at the statement and didn't even have the energy to roll her eyes. 

"That is none of your business." Aubrey snapped quietly as Chloe sent her a grateful look. Chloe always confided with Aubrey and had broken down to her best friends after Beca had left her outside the dorm. She bit her lip as she remembered the way Beca looked; so petrified and shaky with a dark look in her eyes.

Chloe looked at Beca and raised an eyebrow. "What was that about, Beca?" 

"Oh, he is just....very strict. You know?" She said and forced a laugh. "Wants me to be the best I can, stay out of trouble and all that." 

Chloe seriously doubted that but she felt nauseous and didn't want to push it tonight. And she knew Beca wasn't just going to pop out and say it. "Well, since it's late...do you just want to stay in my room?" She asked hopefully. "We can watch a movie?" 

Beca dreaded her words that she knew she had to say. To protect her. She swallowed thickly. "No. We can't be friends." She paused and felt her breathing falter slightly. Great, a panic attack to top it all off. She breathed slowly and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry. Just, leave me alone. I'm not a good friend to have." 

Chloe's eyes widened. "I know I'm not that drunk." She said as her usual bubbliness deflated. "Why?" Her voice broke slightly and she grabbed Beca's hand. "Why can't we be friends? I thought--.....Is it something I said?" 

Beca had snatched her hand away. "Fuck off." She snapped before she had turned her back on Chloe.

Chloe shook her head in exasperation and chewed on her lip, which seemed to becoming a nervous habit when it came to Beca. She was relieved when the professor came in and everyone would finally stop talking and asking her questions. She zoned out when the professor started the lecture and wondered how she could fix things with Beca, or even if she could fix them. 

Beca hadn't gone back to her room after she relapsed....she had felt horrible then great and now horrible again. She had been doing so well, at least she thought she had. It had been almost two months since she had cut and he had set it off again...well it wasn't really his fault, she didn't have to hurt herself but she did anyway. She was now constantly reminded of her failure when she moved her leg because her jeans rubbed against the cuts on her thighs. 

She didn't really have a valid reason to hurt herself other than the fact that she needed to feel something other than the suffocation of her anxiety and depression. If she hadn't she was sure she would've suffocated....so sure even though she thought she was weak to use that as a resort. Her anxiety had caused her breathing to became difficult. She had to open her mouth and take quiet, shuddering gasps to feel like she was getting any air down her constricted throat, which felt cottony and made her desperate for water despite the discomfort she felt in my stomach, as if even thinking of consuming or drinking would make her vomit. Her head had seemed fuzzy and it was as if the world around her was blurred and in slow-motion. Afterward she had taken another ten minutes to calm down but still had the lingering effects for hours; she felt physically drained, like she had run a marathon through the desert with nothing to eat or drink. She also felt mentally drained as her brain felt fuzzy and slow and it seemed to take hours for anything to happen when in reality only took a few minutes. 

Beca hadn't thought of anything except trying to control her ever increasing anxiety and depression. And a beautiful ginger with tear filled blue eyes upon their last encounter. She missed her even if she had spent a handful of hours with her. She felt...safe with Chloe. She felt like nothing could hurt her, and she could be a better person for herself and others. Well at least, she had felt that way but now she felt so hollow in every way. Her mind was filled with either anxiety riddled and/or dark consuming thoughts and meanwhile her body felt so hollow, so empty. Though when she thought of a smiling, singing redhead it seemed to lessen significantly. 

But Beca knew she couldn't even be friends with the red head or with anyone. Her father had instilled in her that people would always hurt you, though coming form him that was slightly comical. His reasoning for her isolation was simple according to him. See, boys were looking for one thing; sex. And sex before marriage or lustful thoughts were a sin. And girls, well...he had once caught her making out with another girl when she was fifteen...being homosexual was a sin. An abomination. Which is what she was, according to him. He preached and tried to beat it into her that being gay was a sin and she would be sent to Hell for it unless she repented and prayed and stayed away from the "temptation of the Devil." 

She thought it was fucking ridiculous logic that a magical man in the sky cared about how you received an orgasm. She personally felt that God is love, and that any form of it was right. It didn't matter how or from whom you received an orgasm from just as long as it was consensual and didn't hurt anyone. She had voiced this to him once and that was the worst punishment she had ever received, worse than when he found her with that girl...he had locked her in a closet at home and screamed scripture at her and then when that didn't work had beat her so bad that she hadn't gone to school for the rest of the week while waiting for the bruises to fade. Though, she still had scars from it and kept them well hidden.

Beca was snapped out of her thoughts as her alarm clock had gone off that morning, not that she needed it as she hadn't slept but still...she turned it off quickly and had lazily got her bag together for her "first" class of the day. On her schedule, Intro. to Philosophy was her first class but she had skipped it because she knew Chloe was their and she would probably convince her to talk to her and then she would burst out in tears or hug her. She didn't think she could handle seeing Chloe. Yes, Chloe made her feel better in everyway and safe but...she would probably have a panic attack and die or something. With her luck she would be the first person to probably die from a panic attack. 

She had grabbed a red hoodie (making sure the hood was up over her messy hair) with some stupid design on it and pulled it on over her v-neck t-shirt. She grabbed her headphones and Iphone before locking her door and slowly walking to her class. She groaned internally as Maroon 5's "Love Somebody" started playing. If she didn't hate religion so much she would've said it was some stupid sign from God. 

"I know your insides are feeling so hollow  
And it's a hard pill for you to swallow, yeah  
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover  
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same

I really wanna love somebody  
I really wanna dance the night away  
I know we're only half way there  
But you can take me all the way, if you take me all the way  
I really wanna touch somebody  
I think about you every single day  
I know we're only half way there  
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way

You're such a hard act for me to follow  
Love me today don't leave me tomorrow, yeah  
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover  
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same" 

She hummed along on her walk to class for lack of anything else to do and was hoping she wouldn't run into Chloe or any of the Bellas. She actively kept her head down and stared at her worn out converse trying to not think of Chloe. But of course, like some fucking cliche movie she had looked up and had seen Chloe with the other Bellas and she instantly froze and hoped Chloe wouldn't notice her. Please, don't try to talk to me...She prayed to anyone that was listening. She noticed Chloe didn't look how she usually did...she looked pretty similar to Beca; like Hell. She could tell Chloe hadn't slept and that she was very upset, though Beca probably knew it wasn't about last night, no one cared enough about her anyway. She bit her lip and quickly (not quickly enough) turned to walk away when she heard Chloe's voice. 

Chloe saw the brunette and could tell she was in bad shape herself and it wasn't only just what she could see in plain view, there was something...not only hidden but purposefully hidden and dark. She didn't mean to yell across the quad it just sort of came out as she felt herself walking toward Beca. "Beca! Wait! Please!" She yelled desperately.

Beca froze just like she knew she would when she heard Chloe call her name so desperately. She turned halfway and watched Chloe walk toward her until she stopped in front of her. "What?" She asked in a monotone voice, she was afraid to speak with any emotion in her voice because if she did she knew her voice would break.

Chloe bit her lip, it was becoming a new nervous habit. "It....uhm....it would really mean a lot if...we could at least talk about...things." She said shakily. She could see Beca was about to make some sarcastic defense when she stopped her. "No, wait...let me explain...." She took a deep breath and continued. "You don't have to tell me anything, I won't flirt with you or make sexual advances or anything....if you tell me anything that's fine and I won't tell a soul, not even Aubrey or the Bellas...a-and uh....I just want to be friends." She mumbled lamely as she felt tears starting to form.

"Chl-Chloe....you don't understand..." She whispered and looked around nervously. It was the middle of the school day so her dad was probably teaching. "I just...I can't...won't...." She breathed deeply. "Not here..." She mumbled. "But...uhm." She swallowed thickly and closed her eyes for a brief second, she didn't want to see Chloe cry again. She knew it was a bad idea but maybe if she did this they could be....sort of, secret friends? She bit her lip and pulled out her phone. "Number? I'll text you and we can talk somewhere very privately." 

Chloe perked up instantly, that was a lot more than she was expecting or even hoping for. She grabbed Beca's phone and put her number in. "D-Do you promise to text me?" She asked shakily and resisted the urge to brush their fingers together as she handed her phone back. 

Beca nodded stiffly. "I will after classes today." She promised before doing one of the hardest things she has ever done; walking away from the red head again. But this time, she didn't feel as bad...because she did have to go to class so he wouldn't think anything was wrong and at least this time Chloe had her number and she could secretly talk to her. 

At least, she hoped it would work out. But as life seemed to always be a bitch, it probably wouldn't run as smoothly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kinda hard to write due to personal reasons, homophobia, anxiety, depression and self harming are very difficult to live with. I know for a fact. And anyone who gets through it, or even tries, are heroes in my book and are such strong individuals. 
> 
> Btw, I am here for all of my readers if you suffer with any of these or even something different you can always talk to me. 
> 
> But on a lighter note, I love you guys.  
> Love is always stronger.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mentions of physical abuse and self harm. (Like one line, but better safe than sorry.

Beca had nervously sat through her lectures, she had actually paid attention to her professors. For educational purposes. Who was she kidding? She needed to keep her thoughts away from Chloe. Away from her stupid bubbly face that loosened up her anxiety filled chest, away form her stupid million-watt smile that made her stomach twist into knots (the good way though), the way she would invade her personal space without even meaning to, the way her skin felt covered in goosebumps when they brushed against each other...yeah, class was not a huge help. 

She had finished her classes and was now on her way to the radio station for work. She just loved organizing CD's and records just as much as she liked getting punched in the face. But it took a lot of concentration so maybe she could be distracted for a few hours. But now she had just closed the station and was sitting on the steps outside of her work staring at Chloe's name on her phone. She had been dreading this, putting it off for as long as possible, but now she didn't have an excuse not to text. 

She shakily opened a new text message and paused. What does she say? "Hey" seemed a little to casual, they were past that. But anything else made her want to rip her hair out and die in a hole. She didn't want anything to slip out...or to be taken the wrong way even though she figured she couldn't hurt the red head anymore than she already had. She huffed and put her phone back in her pocket and started slowly walking down the road to her dorm. 

She got to her dorm and couldn't seem to walk through the door. Her feet wouldn't fucking move. Ugh. Having feelings was a bitch. She thought as she threw her bag angrily on the ground and sat with a huff against the concrete stairway that lead to her dorm. She took out her phone with shaking hands and looked at the blank text message screen again. Her mind seemed blank on what to say, what do you say to someone like Chloe? "Hey, my dad is a homophobic dick who beats me and if we want to be friends then we have to stay a secret." Yeah, that would work out so well, she mused as she pursed her lips. She ran a hand over her face and up into her hair. She supposed she could just not text her but....she had promised, and she knew it would break her into a million fucking pieces if she broke a promise to Chloe. She felt anger surge through her, this shouldn't be so fucking hard. She growled in frustration and threw her phone onto the grass in front of her. 

Just do it, Beca. She thought angrily. Text her. Just don't tell her your secret and she will be safe. Yeah, right. The thought of Chloe being hurt at all made her feel sick to her stomach, but if it was her fault that Chloe got hurt she knew she wouldn't see anything but red running form her body. She grabbed her phone anxiously and bit her lip.   
"Hey. Uhm, it's Beca." She sent hastily before her anxiety could cripple her efforts. She leaned her head back against the tree and waited for a response.

Chloe had been anxiously waiting for a text for hours. She had quickly left her last class and ignored the Bellas and Aubrey as she ran up to her room at the Bella's house and dumped her backpack on the floor before falling into her bed. What if she didn't text? Beca had promised though, and she trusted the brunette to keep it. 

Chloe had turned her phone all the way up in volume that was she was sure she wouldn't miss a message or call. She didn't bother to do any of her assignments, Beca was more important. She didn't understand why Beca had acted so hostile but came to the conclusion that she probably had a good reason. She bit her lip in thought of the brunette, she would do anything to help Beca. Anything. She would even leave her alone if she was 100% sure that that was what she wanted, but she had seen the emotions in Beca's eyes as she had walked away from her both times. She knew Beca hadn't been 100% serious, maybe only 75% if Chloe was lucky. 

She hadn't realized how much time had passed until she saw Aubrey coming through the door, it was a Sunday night and Aubrey had an internship that ran until 11:30pm so she knew it was at least 12:00am which was confirmed when she looked at the alarm clock confirming it was twenty-two minutes after 12:00am. She groaned and felt her heart drop into her stomach as she resigned herself to the fact that Beca had broke her promise. 

Aubrey looked at her best friend with remorse. She seriously doubted Beca had "accidently forgot" but wanted to make up some excuse to her about why Beca hadn't texted. "Hey, Chloe." She said softly as she glanced at the floor. "I heard she works at the radio station....so she probably had a late shift or something." She glanced back to her best friend who seemed to stare vacantly at the ceiling. "I'm sure she will text any minute." 

Chloe grumbled something under her breathe that sounded vaguely like something to do with a shower. Aubrey watched sadly as Chloe grabbed her towel and walked into their shared bathroom. Chloe had turned her phone on to her depressing playlist that could be heard through the closed door. It was muffled but Aubrey could make out the start of "Nightingale" by Demi Lovato. She realized then that this was serious (Dixie Chicks serious) because the only time Chloe picked this playlist was when something serious happened, like when her parents divorced or her dog died. 

Chloe stepped into the scalding shower and let the water run down her back. She had picked her "depression playlist" which is what Aubrey called it, because she knew she would be messed up over Beca for a while. There was just something about her that screamed out to Chloe. She needed to help Beca, but she couldn't if she didn't let her. She didn't even have to tell her anything, just being friends would be enough or knowing she was safe and okay. She had a feeling that Beca hadn't felt safe or okay in a very long time. She sighed and leaned her forehead onto the cool tile wall. She started humming softly to the new song that had started on her phone. She scoffed internally when the lyrics started. "Broken" by Seether was suck a knife to the heart, it pretty much explained...well how she was feeling and how she hoped Beca wasn't feeling. 

"I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away  
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open  
And I don't feel like I am strong enough  
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again----"

She broke off with her quiet singing when the song paused and beeped letting her know she had a message. She rushed out of the shower with shampoo filled hair and water dripping down her body as she hastily grabbed her phone. She opened the text and felt what seemed like a hundred pounds drop off her shoulders, she hadn't realized this had been such a burden. She grinned like a moron as Beca's name was seen and read the text. It was short and simple but it was from her. 

"Hey. Uhm, it's Beca." She leaned against the counter she read it and sighed in relief. She pressed reply and bit her lip. She decided a simple hello would probably be fine but she always put smiley faces in her texts but she didn't want to make Beca uncomfortable. 

"Hey, Beca! :D How was the rest of your day?" She pressed send and not even a minute later she had a reply. 

Text from Beca 12:38am; "It was...alright, I suppose. You?" 

Same. Uhm, I'm glad you kept your promise. :3 She didn't want to leave her phone but she had to kind of rinse the shampoo out of her hair. It was starting to drip on the little bathroom rug. She quickly ran back into the shower but squealed as she was hit with cold water, she didn't give a shit. She finished quickly and dried off before throwing on some short shorts and a baggie tshirt for bed. 

Text Message form Beca 12:42am; "Really?" 

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be glad that you're talking to me? :)" She sent back as she walked out of the bathroom and grinned sheepishly at Aubrey who didn't say anything but merely raised an eyebrow. Chloe grabbed a hairband off her night stand and threw her hair into a bun and pulled back her comforter and making sure her pillows were comfy before sitting in bed and snuggling under the covers. Her phone beeped and announced the presence of another message. 

Text Message from Beca 12:44am; "Mhmm, just an assumption."

"You assume a lot. :( ....Like how you assume I'd run away from you?" She pressed send but paused and re-opened another message. "I won't run away from you, you know? I care about you. I want to be friends, if you'll let me. I can even keep it a secret." She sighed at her bluntness and tapped her fingers on the comforter. Did she say something wrong? To much, to soon? It had been several minutes since the brunette had said anything.

Text Message from Beca 1:02am; "I'd...like that." Before Chloe could even respond a second message appeared. "But it has to be between us. Not even Aubrey can know..."

"I promise. Scouts honor ma'am. ;)" Chloe paused and continued typing. "It's late and we have Intro. to Philosophy tomorrow...Will you be there, secret friend? ;)."  
Text Message from Beca 12:46am; "Goodnight, Chlo. And yes." 

Chloe grinned at her phone and sent another smiley before putting her phone on charge and snuggling even more under her blankets. Just as she was falling asleep she realized Beca had used a nickname for her. Chlo. She felt her body warm on the inside and out, she liked that nickname. A lot. She silently promised only Beca would be able to call her that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: detailed descriptions of physical abuse, flashbacks, homophobia, homophobic slurs.

Beca hadn't slept all night, what if her dad had found out? Found out that Chloe and her had exchanged numbers, or even talked at all? Or somehow knew she was friends with Chloe? She didn't really care what happened to herself, but if something happened to Chloe she would never forgive herself. Chloe should always be happy and safe with that heart warming smile, she thought as she finished getting her bag ready for class. She had actually brought a notebook and pencil with her so she could take notes, since well...she hadn't at all yet. She got up and grabbed her headphones, Iphone, and bag before she slammed the door behind her. She plugged her headphones in and opened a new text, she scrolled through her list of contacts to Chloe's name and tapped it before typing out her message. 

Good morning. Sleep well, Chlo? She sent before putting her phone in her pocket and exiting her dorm. She could still feel the cuts under her jeans and winced as they were rubbed the wrong way. At least her dad had canceled their so called "dinner". She wouldn't have any bruises until they met next. God, she fucking hated him...she recalled her last "dinner" and bit her lip in nervousness. 

"Why the fuck don't you listen?" Her dad screamed at her through the closet door. She had locked herself in there out of fear, because usually he was just angry but there were rare times when he was drunk and angry. And those were so much worse, much more dangerous. She remembered her whimper of fear as he ripped the door open and grabbed her by the hair and threw her into the wall adjacent to the closet. 

She groaned as she felt her body slam into the wall. That's gonna leave a bruise, she thought. She curled into herself to protect her face and body as much as she could from her approaching father. She hated when he drank, because it seemed like the Devil that he preached about so much was actually inside of him, but she knew that it was just him. That he was just naturally this way, why anybody would want to be this way she didn't know but she always ended up on the bad end of it. She knew now not to scream when she received her "punishments", that if she screamed it would only be a lot worse and prolong it. 

She had been so wrapped up in fear of him that she didn't realize he was closing in on her. He raised his fist and she braised herself as she felt it connect harshly with her ribs. She whimpered quietly and felt her eyes fill with tears as she felt her ribs throb. He pulled his fist back again and hit her repeatedly in the same spot on her ribs. The tears in her eyes spilled over, hot and wet onto the carpet as she gasped in pain. She hoped she didn't have any broken ribs...she would have to mend them herself again. 

Apparently he had had enough of using his fists and changed his tactics to kicks. She couldn't seem to catch her breath as she felt his shoe connect with her back. She was quietly sobbing in fear and pain now and hated this feeling of being weak, she wasn't strong enough for anything....she couldn't take a punishment, she couldn't handle the way he looked at her with such hate. So much hate, just because she was gay. He believed it would tarnish his image, and that she was a broken abomination in the eyes of the Lord.   
He had gotten out of breath from punching and kicking her so he had finally stopped and leaned against the dresser that was in the room. "So, I hope you will remember this little lesson. I can't believe my daughter is a fag." He spat venomously at her. He stood up and looked at her with disgust. "What Bible verses do you need to learn to follow?" He snapped and grabbed one of his many Bibles off a bookshelf next to Beca, who was shaking form pain on the floor. He threw it at Beca viciously and turned to walk out. "Leviticus 18:22....'You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.' If you just followed His word then this wouldn't happen." He spat and walked out of the room leaving Beca a sobbing, shaking mess on the floor.

Beca was shaken out of her flashback at the feeling of her phone vibrating. She took a deep breath as she continued from her dorm and out onto the quad towards her Intro. to Philosophy class. She reached in her pocket for her phone and opened it. 

Text Message from Chloe Beale; 7:45am. "Hello. :D I slept better than I did the night before. You? OMG....I heard we have a project for Philosophy..."

Beca raised an eyebrow and hit reply. "Glad you slept better." She paused in her typing, why would Chloe bring up a project if she would find out in class? Her mind raced a million miles a minute...maybe she wanted to warn her? Maybe it was a big part of their grade? Maybe it was a partner project?....PArtners...what if she wanted to be partners? Beca mused over this as she reached the building that her classroom was held in. She looked at her phone and finished the text. Does this project involve partners? She hit send and walked into her classroom and bit her lip as she wondered where to sit....She could sit next to Chloe in class, right? Her dad probably wouldn't interpret it into anything bad....it was class. 

She realized she had been staring at the door for at least 45 seconds, she bit her lip and wringed her hands together as she opened the door. She sighed in silent relief as she realized everyone was already there and that the only open seat was next to Chloe. She paused as she realized everyone in the Bellas had switched seats and seemed to form some sort of protective circle around her intended desk. Her lips twitched upwards in a rare burst of happiness that had rushed through her body. She walked to her seat and carefully avoided Bumper. She sat in her seat and froze as a coffee was thrust into her face from a girl who she recognized as Fat Amy. The girl smirked and raised an eyebrow before turning to talk to Cynthia Rose. Beca felt her phone buzz again and quickly opened it. 

Text Message from Chloe Beale; 7:55am. "Coffee for my secret friend. But it wasn't from me or anything. Or was it? ;) Open the lid on it by the way. Hope it wasn't to forward....and yes the project does involve partners....Could we be partners for it or does the secret friend include class?"

Beca grinned at Chloe's teasing phone and texted back. "Class is fine. I may or may not like to hear your voice. But I never said that." She grabbed the coffee cup (hopeful that Chloe would talk to her) and took a sip, it was her favorite from Starbucks no less. She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow at Chloe who seemed to be reading her text with a small smile forming. She opened up her coffee lid to see a small heart written on the bottom of the lid with Friends Forever ;) written beneath. She smiled softly and raised her eyes to meet a red heads crystal blues. 

Chloe grinned at her. "So...partner." She whispered slyly with a wink. "Since we will have to work together for education, of course, I know a great place to study. No one will bother us." She stated somewhat pointedly. "It's not at Barden."

Beca raised both eyebrows. "And where would this place be?" 

"Well...about two towns over, in Sunnydale." Chloe responded quietly. "No secrets needed there." 

"Well...for education...I might be able to." Beca felt her stomach twist into knots as the red head looked at her hopefully. She kind of had an idea of what Chloe was up to; she thought Chloe was actually really smart to make sure they could be partners for a project, and then work in another town so they could be seen in public together even if it was for studying. 

Chloe nodded. "After class today?" She paused. "All late classes are canceled because of the football game." She rolled her eyes as if football was the most ridiculous thing in the world. "I'll drive, pay for food and all that. My treat." 

Beca licked her lips which suddenly seemed to be as dry as the Sahara Desert. She nodded and blushed as she took another sip of her coffee. She didn't want to think to much into it but it kind of sounded like...more than studying, or maybe she was reading to much into this cliche. She was about to respond verbally but she noticed the teacher come in. She internally groaned and tapped her thumb on the desk while pulling out her notebook. She brought it to take notes but soon noticed she had zoned out into doodling. She glanced at the doodle in the margins and felt an unknown feeling in her chest as she realized she had drawn a pair of eyes. Blue eyes. Chloes. She snapped her notebook shut and glanced at the clock, only five more minutes to go in this stupid class.

Chloe had been so excited this morning. She felt so much better after last night. Beca had kept her promise. She had texted the brunette in hopes of having a conversation before class. She realized she should do something nice for Beca as she probably didn't receive nice gestures a lot. She stopped by the coffee shop that was on her way to class and ordered two of her favorite coffees as she didn't know what Beca would like. She hoped she would appreciate the slight joke on how they had first met. She loved anything that made Beca smiled, and she opened the lid to Beca's coffee and wrote a quick message on the inside before continuing on to class. She smiled at Fat Amy who joined her in the trek up a flight of stairs to class, she handed the coffee to Fat Amy and mouthed 'Beca' to her. The Aussie didn't even question it as she took the coffee and walked in with the red head. Everyone who wasn't a dipshit could see the connection between Chloe and Beca, they were connected in a way from some fucking storybook. 

Chloe didn't even really pay attention to anything except Beca being cute doodling something. She couldn't keep her eyes away from Beca. She seemed a little better since they started talking. Chloe still wanted to know what Beca was so scared of? What happened to her? Why did she seem to have a castle built against everything? Against feelings, people, even her? Not that they were the best of friends, but Chloe sincerely hoped they could head in that direction. She heard the teacher mumble something about the project and a due date before telling them to leave. She exhaled all her nervous energy and stood up while gathering herself. She looked at Beca and smirked as she snapped her notebook shut hastily. 

"Ready to go, Becs?" She asked in her usual bubbly voice. She watched the brunette look around nervously before nodding her head. Chloe resisted the urge (that seemed to be constant) to touch Beca, to let her know she was safe, that Chloe would do anything to protect the small, nervous girl, that she wouldn't ever hurt her. She nodded to the door as Beca nervously fidgeted with some invisible string at the edge of her shirt. She fell into step beside Beca and smiled softly. "So, it'll take about an hour and a half to get to Sunnydale." She mused and glanced at Beca. "I have a brand new CD mix that I got from Stacie, we can sing together again if you want." She said with a wink thrown at Beca.   
Beca nodded and walked with Chloe to her car. "Thanks for the coffee." She mumbled as they both got into the car. Chloe grabbed her CD case and flipped through it before she landed on the CD she wanted. She stuck it into the radio and turned it low until it was background music. She wanted to take this trip as an opportunity to talk to Beca, to get to know her more. She wanted to be well whatever she could for Beca, she didn't care if it was a friend, lover, study buddy, just anything to let her know she wasn't alone with her fears, with the world. 

Chloe nodded and grinned at Beca noticing how she was slowly relaxing the farther from Barden they were. "No problem. Thanks for your number." She said slyly and put her hand on the middle console and the other on the steering wheel. 

Beca had felt herself relax the farther away form school they got, she narrowed down the reasoning to one of two things; the expanding distance between her father and his anger or the prolonged exposure to a beautiful red head...possibly a combination of the two. She had noticed Chloe's hand on the middle console and could barely keep herself in check my not grabbing it and holding on for dear life. She wanted desperately to know what it was like to hold Chloe's hand in her own, to feel something other than the constant anger that she associated other peoples hands with. They didn't sing like they had planned but kept the music on background noise and sat in comfortable silence, Beca couldn't remember the last time she had been so relaxed, even with the red head around. Beca supposed it was because it was the two of them. She hadn't realized how much time had passed until she saw a sign signifying their arrival into the town of Sunnydale with an estimated population of about 6,000 people. 

"So why this town?" Beca asked as she broke the comfortable silence that had settled between them. 

Chloe bit her lip. "Well, I'm from here. And...my parents live here." She paused. "Would you be mad if dinner is at there place? I haven't seen them in ages and they wanted me to bring a friend from school, see who I hang out with and such." Chloe was nervous, she didn't want to seem like she was pushing Beca into meeting her parents or that it was a date or anything. But Chloe decided she didn't mind if it became a date. 

Beca bit her lip nervously. What if her parents think they are gay together? What if they knew she was gay? What if they hit Chloe like her dad did to her? She pushed down the sudden rage in her at the thought of someone hitting Chloe, she was to precious and bubbly for any harm to come to her. She sighed as a million "what ifs" ran through her head. She was about to respond when she felt a hand grab her own. She looked down to see Chloe's hand wrapped around her own. She swallowed thickly and her eyes followed from Chloe's hand up her arm and to her face, before their eyes connected. She felt herself instantly relax as she lost her trail of thought in Chloe's blue eyes. 

Chloe could see the girl was growing increasingly nervous, she could practically see the gears rolling in the brunettes head. She wanted to comfort her so bad and before she could stop herself she had wrapped Beca's hand in her own. "Hey." She said softly as she pulled into a gas station before they continued to her family house outside of town. "I didn't mean to make you nervous, we don't have to...I just love spending time with you. No need to worry, I won't let anything happen to you." She whispered the last statement and looked into Beca's anxious filled eyes. 

Beca nodded and squeezed her hand before looking at her lap. She trusted Chloe, everything would be okay. Chloe wanted to squeal in delight when Beca didn't let go of her hand but instead even held it tighter. She didn't want to let Beca's hand go, so decided gasoline could wait until they were on their way back to Barden. She started driving while still holding Beca's hand toward her house. After a few minutes they had pulled up to a two story ranch styled house, the estate had rolling hills, horses running behind the fences and a forest beyond the fields. Beca's eyes widened as she saw the estate, realizing Chloe and her family were loaded. Probably with millions. She was surprised that Chloe wasn't some stuck up rich girl. 

Chloe noticed Beca's expression and laughed slightly. "Yeah, uhm. They're kinda rich. Dad is a big time lawyer. But I didn't want to inherit anything. Aubrey gets it all since I didn't want it." 

Beca felt her jaw drop. "Aubrey? Huh?" 

Chloe chuckled softly. "Yeah, I was adopted by Aubrey's family. They are great people and I see them as my real family." And you. She thought but didn't speak it out loud. She just had this feeling that her and the brunette would go very far in life together. She smiled at Beca's gaping mouth. She used two fingers to close it gently, she seemed to lose her self for a second because she had used her thumb to trace Beca's lips and jaw. She pulled her hand back quickly. "Sorry, uh...distracted." She mumbled. 

Beca grinned. "It's okay." She said softly and paused before grabbing Chloe's hand and squeezing. "You have seen me naked." She winked. She felt almost 100% at ease with Chloe. But she was more like 80% at ease because she was meeting her parents. "Uh, what do I...do?" She finished lamely.

Chloe licked her lips as she looked away from Beca's. God, she wanted to kiss her so bad. But she didn't she would wait for Beca to say she even wanted anything like that. She felt butterflies in her stomach just thinking about it, would Beca's lips be soft? She was sure they would. What would they taste like? She shifted in her seat and almost missed Beca ask her a question. "Oh, do you mean have I told them anything about you?" At her nod Chloe continued. "I haven't told them anything, like I promised anything between us is secret unless you say so." She paused and bit her lip. "Do you have a preference as to how you want to be introduced?" She knew id she didn't get something concrete she blurt out the world girlfriend. 

"Whatever you want us to be, Chlo." Beca responded and interlocked their fingers. She felt so safe with her, she didn't care what they were as long as she had Chloe. She saw Chloe nod and stepped out of the car with her. Beca instantly felt nervous when their hands were no longer interlocked, she hesitantly reached out and brushed their fingers against each other before Chloe grinned and interlocked their fingers again, God, Beca was adorable. Refraining from kissing was seriously getting to become almost unbearable. She had lost herself in Beca's eyes again, that she hadn't noticed the door to the house open until Beca jumped and clenched her hand tightly. Chloe's eyes snapped to Beca and noticed she looked scared but was trying to hide it. Chloe rubbed her thumb across the back of her hand and looked up to her parents. 

"Mom! Dad! Hi." She said brightly and looked at her parents. 

Beca noticed Chloe's parents had the same attitude as Chloe, they were upbeat and bubbly and didn't look at her with disgust. She froze and had to quelch a panic attack as she saw their eyes lock on Chloe's and hers hands. They gave each other a knowing look and grinned. "Ah. Hello, dear." said Chloe's dad who looked at Beca. He could tell the girl was nervous as hell. "Oh no need to be nervous. I'm Chloe's dad, Benjamin Posen." He said and grinned at the happiness of her daughter. "But you can call me Ben. And this is my wife, Helen Posen." He looked back at Chloe. "And Chloe, who is this?" He said with a soft smile.

Chloe panicked and looked at her parents then Beca. Shit, what should she say? Friend? Secret friend? Girlfriend? Well they were holding hands...She took a deep breath and hoped this didn't blow up in her face or make Beca run away. 

"This is Beca." She paused and looked Beca in the eyes. "My..." She glanced at their conjoined hands. "Girlfriend?" She said somewhat questioningly as Beca's eyes snapped to hers.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: panic attacks, thoughts of self harm/suicide, physical abuse to a minor, alcoholism, physical abuse.

Chloe knew she had said the wrong thing, the worst thing she could have the moment those words left her lips. She hadn't really meant to but sometimes she had no filter from her brain to her mouth and then things like this happened. 

God, why couldn't she have kept her mouth shut? Why couldn't she have just said "This is Beca, a friend from school?" But NO, she had to say the stupidest thing possible and probably lost all progress with the brunette currently gripping her hand like her life depended on it. Until, there hands were no longer intertwined because after a few seconds Beca's eyes had snapped to hers and she snatched her hand away from Chloe's before biting her lip anxiously. 

"Do you...-" Beca broke off out of the sheer anxiety that was building in her body. She paused and took a deep breath before croaking out in a small voice. "Do you have a bathroom?" 

When Chloe nodded and told her it was down the hallway and 3 doors to the right she all but sprinted inside the (for lack of a better word) mansion and quickly found the bathroom before closing the door and locking it behind her. She could feel her throat forming an invisible knot of anxiety and swallowed thickly but that didn't help. She took a deep breathe and was trying with all of her might to not hyperventilate. She grabbed the sinks edge with her hands trying to stop the persistent shaking, she was so scared and she tried to stop her fear from taking over her body. She pulled on the collar of her shirt, it was touching her throat and made her feel like she was choking even more than she was, she couldn't get a full breath of air. She clenched her teeth as she tried to think of something to calm herself with, anything, she just needed something....she gasped as the door opened to reveal Chloe with a slightly panicked expression. 

"Becs..." Chloe whispered brokenly, knowing she had caused this. She didn't know why it had cause such a panic but that didn't really matter now, all that mattered was helping Beca. "Hey, no...please." She paused and remembered how Aubrey used to help her with her own panic attacks when she had first been adopted by the Posen family. 

"I know you're mad...but just breath with me okay?" She looked Beca in her fear filled eyes and placed Beca's hand on her chest. "Like this. In....Out....In....Out." She smiled with tear filled eyes as after a few minutes Beca did, in fact, begin to calm down. Chloe reached beside Beca to grab some toilet paper and handed to her slowly. 

Beca hadn't noticed that Chloe had been calling her name to let her know she was okay, before she could open the door Chloe had unlocked it with her fingernail. Beca grimaced as all of Chloe's words sounded muffled and very far away. She had felt Chloe grab her hand and place it on her chest but hadn't really registered what exactly Chloe was trying to accomplish. 

She couldn't meet Chloe's eyes, she was afraid they would be full of so many negative emotions; anger, hate, doubt. For Christ's sake she basically just had a complete melt down in front of Chloe and her parents. Oh God...now there would be questions and she would have to tell Chloe she couldn't be friends again or what if her dad knew the Posen's? What if he found out and hurt her? Or Chloe? Or Chloe's parents hit her? What is they hit Chloe in front of her? 

She glanced up with panicked eyes at Chloe's but scrunched her brow in confusion as she didn't have any anger, hate or doubt in her eyes....instead Chloe had what seemed like concern, confusion and sadness. She bit her lip and tried not to start sobbing again as she spoke. "O-Oh my God...Chlo...I-I'm so sor--...sorry." She sobbed silently. "I didn't mean...t-to." 

Chloe gasped at Beca. Why on earth was Beca apologizing to her of all people? To anyone? It was her own fault after all, she had blurted something out without giving any thought to how Beca would react. "Becs, no need to feel sorry about anything." She whispered and took a deep breath, she knew Beca was...hiding something but she didn't know how deep it went or how broken she was. "I'm here. And I told them we were just friends form school." She breathed quietly. 

Beca sighed and felt physically drained after her panic attack. She seemed to be having a lot more of those lately. Probably because a certain red head was unknowingly putting tiny cracks in her fortress. She had spent years building her little protective fortress, nothing could bring it crumbling down but she had a deep feeling that one day if anyone could it would be Chloe. "Promise?" She whispered. She sounded so broken that Chloe nodded immediately. "I...just uhm...have a panic disorder." She said and hoped Chloe didn't see through her lie, she already felt guilty enough for the panic attack in front of her parents and now she was lying to Chloe's face. I'm such a stupid, shitty person...so...broken. I can't be fixed. She thought to herself as she cautiously allowed Chloe to help her stand. 

Chloe fought the urge to narrow her eyes suspiciously at Beca. Obviously, she had a panic disorder but she knew deep down that it went a lot farther then that. After looking at Beca and seeing how tired she looked she decided to let it drop...for now. Chloe nodded and helped her to her feet, noticing how shaky Beca was. 

"You don't have to tell me anything." She said softly as she grabbed a wash cloth from under the sink and wet it with cold water. She folded it and looked at Beca again, she wanted Beca to know that she cared for her, even if it was in stupid small ways. "Can..I?" She asked hesitantly and raised the washcloth toward Beca's face. Beca gasped and flinched fiercely as she saw a hand coming toward her face, she was still shaking from her panic attack and her mind was jumbled in a complete mess. She knew her dad wasn't here, that he couldn't be the soft hands helping her up and trying to calm her down. This was way to soft and gentle for that. But she knew Chloe had still seen her flinch, and was relieved when Chloe seemed to pretend that she didn't see it. Beca swallowed thickly and nodded at Chloe's request. 

Chloe noticed her flinch but pretended not to notice which Beca seemed a little grateful for. She grinned at Beca's nod. Beca didn't know but her trust meant a lot to her and she would never break that trust. After all, she knew what it was like to have trust broken. She knew it all to well...Chloe bit her lip nervously as she absent mindedly dabbed at Beca's face.

*flashback*

Chloe's dad had recently died. She didn't really understand why he didn't come back anymore but mamma said he went to Heaven and that that was a good place.She missed him a lot. She had had a very good day at school and was so excited to tell her mamma how it went. She had gotten to color and read another part of her book in class. She grinned as she looked down at the drawing of her family. She even had thrown in moms new friend Larry, he hung around a lot and seemed to make mom happy, just like daddy did. Chloe had a weird feeling in her stomach when he looked at her though, he was sometimes a little snappy but Chloe figured a nice picture and hugs worked just as good on him as they did on everyone else. 

Chloe ran off the bus and up the stairs to her new little apartment, momma couldn't afford the big house they used to have but it didn't really matter to Chloe. She just wanted her mom happy. But when she walked in the door she knew her mamma wasn't happy that day. She could hear the muffled yells of Larry through the different room sin the house. She bit her lip, sure he had been a little snappy before but never this angry. She threw her backpack on the floor and raced with her drawing to mamma and Larry's room. 

She froze as she opened the door, and so did her mamma and Larry. His face was red in anger and her mamma looked scared. She didn't like it but figured it was a grown up thing and shrugged it off. She held up her picture at Larry. "Lookie!" She said with a grin and pointed to it. "This is us, and daddy." She said pointing to each individual figure and then finally her dad who was flying in the sky. He had wings because mamma said daddy was an angel now or something. 

Larrys face contorted in rage as he was shown the picture. He snatched it out of her hands and ripped it to shreds before he promptly slapped her across the face. She noticed his breath smelt gross but was scared to say anything, she felt tears well up as the stinging on her cheek increased. Her mom jumped up and ran between them. "Please, Larry...don't hurt her." She sobbed as he had raised his hand again. "You're angry with me right?" 

Chloe looked back and forth between them before Larry spat at her. "OUT, you little shit." Chloe scrambled out of the room as hot wet tears fell down her cheeks. She ran to her room and slammed the door closed and locking it. She dried her eyes and laid on the bed and put the pillow over her ears and curled into herself. She couldn't help as more tears flowed as all she heard that night was the sound of skin on skin and the loud sobs of her mother. She hoped it was a one time thing, but she was wrong...it was the first of many. It would only get worse from here.

*end of flashback*

Chloe snapped out of the flashback as she felt cool hands on her face. Her face contorted in confusion as she looked at Beca who seemed to be saying something to her. "Huh?" She asked slightly out of breath from reliving a horrible memory. 

Beca frowned at the red head. She knew that look. That feeling. She had flashbacks before. But seeing the broken look on the red head made her want to pull her into a hug. "I said...that your parents are probably wondering where we went." She whispered and cupped her hands on Chloe's face. She didn't really like touching or being touched but she knew Chloe found comfort in it for some reason. 

Chloe nodded and snapped out of her daze. "Uh, no. Dad got called to a meeting so no dinner." She said and looked at Beca shyly. "We can go back to school if you--."   
She was cut off by Beca rapidly shaking her head. "No...." She paused and chose her words carefully. "I want to stay with you. Uhm. We can have our own dinner?" She asked.  
Chloe bit her lip. "If you want to." She said in the softest voice Beca had heard her use. "We can...eat in my room?" 

Beca nodded her agreement and grabbed a new washcloth and started the same procedure Chloe had. She softly dabbed at the red heads flushed face and bit her lip uncomfortably. Was she even doing this right? She didn't know how to care for someone, hell she could barely care for herself. She licked her lips and realized that the closer she and Chloe became in proximity the more relaxed she felt. She tried, unsuccessfully to keep her eyes off Chloe's lips. They were really close, so close that if she licked her lips she could almost taste them....what would they taste like? Would they taste the way Chloe smelled? Like faint strawberries? Or probably something distinctly Chloe? She noted how Chloe was looking at her lips too, as if they were on the same train of thought. But Beca pulled away and took a deep breath before averting her eyes. She really wanted to kiss Chloe to see what a soft touch felt like? Because she was sure that Chloe's lips were soft like her hands. She didn't even particularly care if her lips weren't soft, just that they were hers, Chloe's. 

Chloe grinned, back to her bubbly self, as she watched the brunette seem to be internally debate something. "So, I can't really cook so how does pizza sound?" She asked softly as the brunette pulled away to create some distance between them. Beca nodded and slowly accepted Chloe's out stretched hand, she didn't need to worry as she knew deep down Chloe wouldn't let anything happen to her here. She was safe as long as she was away from her dad. 

Beca followed Chloe to a flight of stairs which she was led up and into a room, that was undoubtedly Chloe's. She suppressed a smirk as she had once again became even more relaxed at the red heads presence. She could feel her usual sarcastic attitude start to come back as she was answered with a bubbly nod from the red head. "Nice room." She paused. "It's really...you." She teased at Chloe.

Chloe gasped melodramatically. "What ever do you mean Ms. Mitchell?" She asked dramatically in a fake southern belle accent. Her horrible acting caused Beca to break into a full out grin at Chloe. 

"Oh, ya know. Only you would have hot pink walls." Beca retorted, she felt somewhat playful after she had witnessed that the red head had gone through in the bathroom. Chloe had something that was possibly similar to Beca's life, and she didn't turn or run away at Beca's panic attack. She had looked at Beca like she cared. And she hadn't proven Beca wrong yet so she might as well relax away form Barden and her dad. She enjoyed being around Chloe anyway and was glad they could be more than "secret friends", just as long as they were not around Barden or anyone that knew her dad. 

"Hot walls to match a hot girl." Chloe teased with a wink. 

"Yeah, well." Beca paused and smirked. "Who said you were hot?"

Chloe gasped and widened her eyes. "Did Beca Mitchell just tease me?!" She grinned as Beca slowly became more comfortable. They had shared....something in that bathroom but neither of them knew it yet. 

Beca rolled her eyes and mumbled something Chloe couldn't make out. Chloe grinned and plopped down on her bed before patting the spot next to her. "Be my little spoon?" She asked playfully. 

Beca raised both eyebrows at the red head. She bit her lip and decided seeing the absolute shock on the red head would be worth a few seconds of uncomfortableness. She shrugged and walked over to the bed and laying beside Chloe. 

Chloe was absolutely shocked when Beca actually came over and laid by her, and surprised her even more when she turned to face her. Was she hallucinating? Probably. She thought. She noticed Beca pressing her lips together to hold in laughter and she narrowed her eyes. "What?" 

Beca couldn't hold it in anymore and let out hysterical laughter. "Oh, man. Your face was priceless." 

Chloe was about to scoff at her when she realized...this was the first time she had heard Beca sincerely laugh. It wasn't forced, or a nervous chuckle but a real laugh. It was Beca. She grinned at Beca and slowly grabbed Beca's hand as she joined Beca's laughter. "It's good to see you smile and laugh." She said with adoration at Beca. She really was adorable and would do anything to keep that smile on her face. 

Beca felt her lips twitch upwards as she heard Chloe say that. She looked at Chloe's face, it was filled with something she had only read about or seen directed to other people. Never was it directed toward her. Hate, anger and disgust were things usually thrown her way. It was just Chloe looked at her like she was some amazing piece of art or something. "You make me smile." She blurted out before blushing deeply. She immediately felt uncomfortable at letting the red head know what she was feeling but when she glanced at Chloe who had a mega-watt smile on, she realized it was worth it. 

Chloe beamed at Beca, she knew Beca had meant her statement. For most people that was a small gesture but for Beca it was a huge step towards trusting her. She loved that she had made Beca laugh and smile. She was so worried Beca would've been angry at how she had introduced her to her parents. But the brunette surprised her by seeming to know what had transpired in her mind in the bathroom. She had shown that she cared for Chloe simply by being there. She was about to respond to Beca and looked down at the brunette before smiling softly. She was asleep. Probably exhausted from her panic attack.

Chloe knew she was making tiny cracks in Beca's defenses, the little singer had trusted her at lest three times today and Chloe knew it wouldn't be for nothing. She would protect Beca with everything she had in her. She didn't want to wake Beca, and since she wasn't particularly hungry she decided not to order the pizza they had planned on. She instead grabbed a blanket at their feet and covered herself and Beca. She slowly wrapped her arms around the girl so she didn't wake her and kissed her temple softly. She was so relaxed that within minutes she was also sound asleep.

Beca groggily woke up to a face full of red hair, and not just a little bit of hair but a whole mountain. Wait, why was there red hair all over her face? She didn't have red hair? She froze before promptly trying to bolt out of the bed so fast that instead of getting up she ended up falling into the floor with a muffled thud. 

Well, that fucking hurt. She thought as she rubbed her probably bruised hip bone. She wasn't in her room...where was she? Chloe's...oh fuck her sideways. She had fallen asleep. Hopefully all they did was sleep...what if they did more than sleep? In Chloe's room. In Chloe's bed. With Chloe. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Chloe woke up to a muffled thump. Did she fall out of bed? No, she wasn't having pain anywhere...then, Beca! Beca must have woken up and was probably freaking out. Chloe was usually a morning person but she had only slept a few minutes at a time until about an hour ago when she finally gave into her exhaustion, she hadn't wanted to wake Beca up; she was exhausted from her panic attack....but she also didn't want the brunette waking up to another one. So she had tried to stay up and keep her safe but she had fallen asleep. 

"Becs, are you okay?" She heard a sleepy voice mumble. Chloe. Oh my God. 

"I...-uh." She stuttered. What the hell do you say in a situation like this? Maybe the situation was only bad for her? She bit her lip anxiously and could feel her heartbeat starting to pick up, her throat starting to constrict. It was to fucking early for this panic attack shit. "I...what did we....do?" She said breathlessly as she fought to control her breathing. 

Chloe scrunched her face together in confusion. She didn't understand Beca's question. What did she mean? "We...slept?" She said as she sat up, now more fully awake. She now realized Beca was starting to have a panic attack and slid off the bed before kneeling beside the brunette who's breathing was becoming more erratic. "Hey....shh. Nothing happened, Becs. We slept. You were exhausted. That's all. Promise." She said softly, as she tried to get her to calm down. 

Beca nodded slightly as she trembled, she partially believed Chloe because she was Chloe but instinctively knew she shouldn't because nothing anyone said was true. Or maybe it was just what her dad said that wasn't true? Fuck, Chloe just had to come into her life, had to come and rip her shitty normalcy into shreds, had to make everything so complicated. She didn't know what to think anymore. Her walls were crumbling little by little and she felt so fucking scared, she didn't know what to do about it, she didn't know what to say, what to do. Hell, she didn't even know who she was because she was just a shell of a person due to her walls and everything she did to survive her dad's wrath.   
Chloe cupped Beca's face in her hands and rubbed her thumbs across her cheeks to wipe away the tears that were starting to fall. "Becs, what has gotten you so scared?" She whispered. 

"I can't tell you." She mumbled like it caused her pain to even think about the possibility to even think about Chloe knowing.   
Chloe licked her lips. "Why not?" 

"Please, don't make me tell you....don't ask me..." She whispered shakily. "I'm scared, Chlo."  
Beca could feel her walls crumbling with every word Chloe spoke.

The red head seemed to have a talent at breaking her (previously) seemingly unbreakable walls. Maybe it was her bright eyes that seemed to look into Beca's soul, or her soft spoken words that seemed to wrap around her when she was anxious, or her soft hands when she needed them most? She didn't know what it was but Chloe was seeminly the only person who could get her to calm down from a panic attack, the only person who she seemed to have a little trust in. She wanted to dive right into that trust, head first with no questions asked but she knew she couldn't. It could just end badly for both of them. 

Then Chloe whispered something that would change her life forever. Something no one had ever said, or if they did they never meant it. "You don't have to be. You're not alone. I'm here. I know what you're going through, I used to have the same look in my eyes. It was my step dad, he used to beat me and my mom...then she died and he got custody and well....that's a very long story for another time.... "

And Beca realized then that maybe she could start trusting Chloe. That maybe Chloe Beale was the person who could help, at least be there to talk to.


End file.
